Crack In The Wall

I build the wall

Brick by brick

Fill the gaps with happiness

Flimsy though it may be

I make sure

The darkness stays out

Surround my lair with rainbows

Sunlight, pictures of my puppy

The thunder clouds roll in

Demons of past mistakes

Manifest and magnify

Lightning flashes of regrets

Scorch my fragile walls

The darkness starts to spread

The waves – indolent so far

Perk up

Imbued with the strength of doom

And gloom

They grow inch by inch

Taller than my fortress

One miniscule crack, one tiny hole

That I had forgotten to seal

Betrays me

The gigantic wave turns its head towards me

I cower back

Please, Please

No – I beg silently

The thunder of failure mocks me

Asks me

Did you think you could hide?

Please, Plese

Let me be

Let me feel safe, I say

Let me hide in my fortress

I promise I won’t go seeking

For things I don’t deserve

Oh, please – I beseech

The wave rears its ugly head

Looks down on my puny fortress

It springs back

And lets LOOSE

With a ferocious roar

Smashes down onto my hut

Blows it to smithereens

I am swept away

Trying to keep myself from drowning

In the deep, dark coldness

You can never hide from me

Come be with me

The water rises above my head

The wave pulls me in

And I…..

I give in

I give up

 

 

Am I a psychopath?

So, this was the question my 13 year-old asked me yetserday.

Needless to say, I was totally taken aback at first. Then, instead of reassuring him he was not (hey, I never said I was a perfect mom), I decided to find out why he was thinking that.

He said that he felt no emotion, nothing when he lied to me about finishing his homework. He said he felt no remorse or guilt for lying to me and abusing the trust I had placed in him. Now he was worried he had no conscience and that he was becoming a psychopath.

I explained to my son that a psychopath was cold-hearted, had no empathy for others, and could not love or establish meaningful relationships with others.

I asked him to think about himself – his relationship with his friends, with me, with his pet. I told him that just because he did not feel guilt or remorse at that particular time did not make him a bad person or a psychopath.

I told him that as humans we constantly calibrate ourselves. We learn, we experience new things, discover new knowledge, and apply it to ourselves. If we didn’t, then obviously we would be zombies or better yet, we would be dead.

Yes, he did not feel bad when lying to me, but it was one situation. And that was okay. He was not perfect. That’s how he would learn to be a better human being. I told him, “We all make mistakes, all the time. We learn from them. The learning may expand our knowledge and help us evolve into a better person or make us negative and become close-minded. Either way, we have calibrated ourselves. ”

And that is what he would do. He would learn and not lie again. Or he would continue to lie. I told him that there was one other thing , we as humans possessed. HOPE. Hope that things will always improve. Without hope, there would be no life.

I finally reassured my son that he was not a psychopath. This was a learning experience for him. And I had hope that he would calibrate himself to be a better human being.

Was I wrong?

 

Bad Parenting

A couple of days ago, my daughter complained to me about a classmate of hers being rude and refusing to share classroom supplies. Now, let me make something clear. I am not PERFECT. I am not a GODDESS, even if I would like to be one. I am sometimes a BITCH and I am not ashamed of it.

My first response to my daughter was that this classmate of hers was Asian and that was why she did not share her colored pencils. Yes, i know that makes no sense. It is a stupid explanation and feeding into stereotypes. Like I said, I am not a freaking goddess.

But then, I gave it a little bit more thought and decided I should not prejudice my daughter this way. After all, we were also Asians.

I told my daughter that sometimes people don`t want to share, simply because they are just that way. Can you consider them to be mean and selfish? Yes, of course they are mean and selfish. But that does not mean everyone is like that.

I did explain to my daughter that she will encounter people like this throughout her life. The best thing to do is treat it as an isolated learning lesson, never talk to this person again (if she can help it) and move on.

Am I a bad parent? Depends.

Was I Wrong?

Yesterday, my daughter had a friend over – a friend she had not seen in a few months. When the friend’s mom showed up to pick her up, we chatted like we always do. since we hadn’t seen each other in a while, we obviously talked a lot. At one point in the conversation, the mom asked me, “So, how is your job?”

I told her it was fine. My son gave me a look of surprise at my response. I ignored him and proceeded to talk about how I wanted to switch to a public school job.

After this mom left, my son asked me why I had lied to her. He wanted to know why I didn’t just tell her the truth – that I was fired.

I explained to my son that yes, I should have told her the truth. The reason I didn’t was because it still hurt. It sill made me feel very, very bad about myself. And when people sympathized with me about the loss of my job, it did not make me feel better. in fact, it made me feel worse.

I explained to my son that was the reason I did not tell this mom  I no longer had a job.

Was I wrong? Isn’t life about self-preservation?

Is there a message?

So, I finally took a giant step and signed a lease on a house and told my spouse I was moving out. Of course, I spent two hours imagining I was going to tell him. My stomach hurt, churned. I felt like throwing up and I had a headache.

Surpridingly, he took the news very calmly and agreed we needed to not be together.  He even offered to help support me financially which I thought was a very kind gesture on his part.

Then, I told my brother (not my parents yet). He was shocked but supportive.

I thought the year 2017 was starting out well. I had finally found the courage to speak up about what I wanted.

The next day, my principal called me into her office and gave me the boot. I was in shock. I still don’t know why. She gave me some reason which I didn’t quite follow.

I paid a fine to get out of my lease. Of course, I told my spouse but haven’t broken the news to my family.

As I am writing this, I wonder what message the universe is giving me. Maybe it’s a kick in my derrière to get me to go after my dreams. I have always done what was expected or what was easily available. I never thought I deserved to go after what I wanted.

Or is this a message to stay put in the life I have right now? Yes, I am unhappy but I am financially secure and the whole world including my parents think my life is going great.

How do I interpret this? Of course, mind you, I am still in shock and am not processing things logically or emotionally right now.

Why the fear?

So, I made the decision years ago. Last month I took a momentous step of checking out places and found one that will fit my needs. I know I need to make a change. I know it will be better for me – in the sense better than where I am in my life now. I hate my situation. It feels oppressive – like a heavy weight on my shoulders that just cannot be lifted. The thought of being alone, out of these constraints is so inviting. It beckons me. But then, I am unable to form the words and say them  – that I want out. What will my family say? The vitriol that will follow – can I handle that? I know it will be a very small price to pay for my freedom, my peace of mind. Why then, the fear? Why then, the inability to act? Why am I frozen, paralyzed?

Why?

For a lot of people, taking six children to a water park might be just another routine day in their lives. Not for me. For me, it was an accomplishment mentally. When I think back, I am amazed that I actually did it. I mean, the day went without a hiccup. The kids got up on time. We left on time. We got there on time and did the rides. The kids had a blast which of course included lifting and throwing me in the water, and laughing at my expression when I came down a tunnel. The best part was there was no one there to ridicule me or correct me if I did something wrong or didn’t do something right. When we were done, we got home without getting lost. And there was no one there to remind me how slow a driver I was or how misguided my sense of direction was. I felt good. I felt proud of myself. 

And then it hit me. I have chosen to live in an environment that is not conducive to my growth. It does not help me reach my potential.

The question then is – why do I stay?