After ten loooong, very, very, very looooong, nerve-wracking, anxiety-inducing, depression-causing years, I took the first step – a gigantic one, I might add. I signed the lease to an apartment. I am moving out. I am hyperventilating just thinking about it. I am trembling inside writing about it.
The night before I decided to do it, I hardly slept. Should I do it? So what if I am unhappy? Broken? Numb? I am financially secure. I have a roof over my head, food to eat and money to travel. So what if I am not loved? Not respected? Come on, I am not a young twenty something imagining love will make the world go around. I am a 45+ jobless homemaker who has spent the majority of her married life taking care of her children and volunteering with the PTA. The fear, the self-deprecating thoughts all kicked in – DO NOT DO THIS! DO NOT BE STUPID!!
And then, from somewhere deep inside or maybe it was all the positive self-affirmations that I read on Facebook, a tiny yet very powerfully strong thought sprang up. I AM WORTH It. I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY, TO BE WHO I AM AND WHO I WANT TO BE. I DESERVE TO BE RESPECTED.
Heck, if I am going to be unhappy, it should be because I chose to be, not because of someone else.
So, armed with these new thoughts, I went ahead and signed the lease.
A new beginning…..
Very scary, yet……….